McCreepy

Lately I've been working to pay off some bills, leaving me with very little surplus. Since this month has been a bit slow, very little surplus means dinner is a cold can of ravioli.

Roommate broke the microwave. :(

Anyway, as I was spooning cold imitation tomato sauce into my mouth my phone rang. It was the fox driving old guy from last month inviting me to dinner.

Ummm...what happened to giving a girl some notice?

Then I realized...Ummm...Bitch, You ARE eating COLD, GENERIC BRAND, MEAT POCKETS for dinner.

I agreed to dinner, scrambled for my "date dress" and met him at one of the finest restaurants in town.

From what I remembered he was handsome enough to justify at least one dinner. But then again I had never seen him in his Hawaiian shirt, khaki short, sock-less loafer wearing glory.

WTF was I thinking!!!!!!!!!!

The worst part being he looked like my grandpa. Meaning he looked like the kind of grandpa who's hand gravitates to the fine line between a young girls back and ass. Nothing kills a date like fearing you may seem to be part of a strange Incestuous love triangle.

It got worse when I was I.D'd at the door, and the hostess gave me a look of doom. Especially since I didn't HAVE my I.D and was left standing there while he went back to the car.

Once we DID make it inside, let me share with you what I received in exchange for partaking in a delicious $200.00 meal:

ONE: Glimpses of text messages coming from the hostess to my...date...asking him if he'd told me "the truth"

TWO: His Italian lessons, teaching me how to say "whore" and "slut" because that's what all these other girls were

THREE: Stories about what MADE these other girls "whores"


At one point, when he took a breath and learned that my hobby included writing, he then taught me a few things about books.

ONE: He was contemplating writing a book on relationships, because there just aren't any relationship books out there

TWO: Now that he's thought about it, he WAS going to write a book about relationships because there aren't any relationship books out there

THREE: He was going to call it "All men want is good pussy and all women need is a good dick"

I have never yearned for cold meat product more in my life.