Gluten Free Please

GLUTEN:

A wheat protein left when starch is removed from cereal grains such as wheat, rye, barley, and oats.

CELIACS DISEASE:

A digestive disorder involving the inability to tolerate wheat protein. I.E Gluten.

BERNICE:

The royal pain in my ass that insists on gracing me with her presence at least three times a week.

And if you were to ask Bernice about me? She likely tell you my name is Bambi and recommend I be elected captain of the gum chewing squad. That is if the restaurant I work at HAD a gum chewing squad. What they DO have... is me. What Bernice has, if you haven't guessed it, is Celiacs Disease.

Now don't get me wrong, Bernie and I haven't always been on bad terms. In fact, there was a time when I actually considered her a pleasant acquaintance of mine. She'd always been very congenial and polite towards me and in return I often went of my way to meet her...requests.

I can even tell you from memory that she likes a large ice tea, no lemon, with extra ice in a to-go cup. She also uses real sugar, one napkin, and never needs a plastic bag. So when she requests her Gluten-free salad with extra beets-I jump.

Because, though it appears simple, this requires that no hand, glove, or surface that has come into contact with any form of wheat, gran, or corn, can come into contact with Bernice's salad.

Countless times I've personally overseen the surgical preparation of her food. Taking pride in insuring her satisfaction, and my chance to see her shining face the next day. Because had I lapsed, and say the renegade particle of protein slipped silently into her iceberg creation....

She would've been out for a week.

Suffering from (as I so diligently researched)

"THE PASSING OF LARGE, FATTY, AND MALODOROUS STOOLS"

Needless to say I watched out for good old Bernie, and she watched out for me, with 3 shiny
quarters a day.

Then it happened, in a matter of seconds our alliance crumbled. As I prepared to hand Bernie her salad, which was free today because of the time it took for her to receive her food, I overheard make a comment to another server.

It appeared that since my having replaced the previous lunch server (four months ago) that Bernie had noticed some changes.

Two to be exact.

Without ever having known it, I had single-chestedly begun what was to Bernice, one of the biggest abominations in restaurant history. I had started...."cleavage-fest"

That's right kids, I HADN'T gone out of my way to help her, I HADN'T insured her gastro-intestinal safety, I HADN'T stood guard, day after day, against all starchy particles that may have lead to incapacitating excretion.

I my friends, Had boobs.

Initially after hearing this I gave Bernice the benefit of the doubt. Thinking since my chest was in fact, totally covered, she may have been referring to some other "fest". But then she continued to clarify her point with coworker number two and explain that our workplace had once been a nice family restaurant, but now resembled a certain restaurant with a name similar to "ooters"

Seeing as I was, along with my all condemning flesh-bags, the only new addition. It was a fair assumption on my part that my friendship with Bernie may have been a little crowded. So the three of us brushed off our pride and attempted to sort through the issue at hand.

We were angry.

And it wasn't because a festival celebrating the tactless coming together of two breasts had been
hailed in our honor. It was because all of out other attributes I.E. Hard work, respect, and courtesy, had been thrown out the window because of a bra size.

And though some may find this to merely be an amusing story about a waitress and a wench, we find it more troubling .What has happened to respect? Waitress are people too, tits or not. If It wouldn't have cost me my job I would have informed Miss Bernice on my stance.

I would've stood up for my counterparts and their right to be here as much as mine. I would've reminded her that my big intrusive boobies and I were the other things standing in front of her salad and a big pile of saltines.

And like it or not...

Mammary-free is not an option.